Feeling Bright

Since my last few posts have been rather needy and whiny (I am afraid they were justifiably so) I am happy to share that things are looking up!

I bit the bullet, and showed up to St. Paul’s women’s bible study that happens on Thursday mornings – alone.  It is an embarrassingly terrifying experience showing up some place without connection to anyone else out of sheer desperation for kinship.

But I did it.

And the women were wonderful!  I was immediately introduced to another American ex-pat who showed me the ropes, adopted me into her group, and introduced me to everyone, AND let me in on the places I could volunteer at legally!  Generous hospitality – and it was so great to meet other people who could empathize with some of the things I have been going through which made me feel so much more *sane*.

For example:  I was sharing how this past weekend I finished setting up the house, decor and organization, and hosted my brother and sister-in-law, and that night, after they left – suddenly was filled with panic!  I thought I must be losing it, but the women practically finished my sentiment saying “Now what do I do??”

It was so great to know that I was feeling completely normal and appropriately for a newly minted housewife in a new place!  

Other than OASIS (the Thursday morning bible study) I also made new acquaintances at my definitely-not-a-strip-club gym called PINX, was invited to join the embroiderer’s guild (maybe?), made plans to meet up with a fun geeky girl at a toy/game shop who reccommended we buy a board game called “BATMAN: GOTHAM CITY” to show us how to actually play it.

I also bought more washi tape (I may be over doing it…) and found out abouta cute and cool crafty shop that has craft evenings where people come to meet other people and there is tea and cake – so I think I will try that out too. 

With the sun out and my husband home all day – I am feeling most relieved and rejuvenated.  I am really glad we moved to this beautiful little town, and can’t wait to begin building what I hope will be a strong and long lasting community.

On a side note, my husband and I both had the thought yesterday that we think perhaps two years from now would be a good time to start a family.

That can change regularly, but I thought I would start recording the thought process – it could prove interesting… maybe.  

Star Trek movie tonight, and a new episode of Doctor Who too!  I am loving the geek life.

I hope your week fares well, and that something you have been dreading proves benign.

Sorry about the fortune cookie wishes without a cookie.

Freak out / Faith

So I had a bit of a freak out night before last.  Couldn’t sleep, and didn’t want to keep the bear up as he had work in the morning, so I quietly panicked in the living room and the bath.  Then at about 5am I finally woke him up by crying, and then hyperventilating, and sniveling, and generally freaking out with a whole load of incredibly painful fears that I don’t think I was quite conscious of… not a strong point in my life…

 

Someone once said, “I don’t know what I think until I write it” and unfortunately I can’t remember who, and can’t be bothered to look it up – but this is my attempt at making a similar discovery.

 

I found within me a quiet, unnamed desperation, that seemed to have woken up screaming.  Disappointedly, it did not scream it’s name – just a long, howl of anguish.

 

Now, as I have said before, everything I have going on in my life in wonderful – seriously, I am living so much more than I have ever dreamed.  I love my husband, and this town I live in, my material goods are all above and beyond, and I am learning new skills (shout out to pintrest!) so nothing is going wrong – which leads me to conclude that  as opposed to something be “wrong” in my life, it is instead a case of something simply not being there.

 

I would assume this is tied to my lack of “community” – I am, perhaps, in need of a “bosom friend” as Anne Shirley liked to say.  

 

Thing is – I have no idea how to help this along!  It is simple enough to meet people if you are in school, or at work, have a church you love, or even someone else to make introductions for you.  I don’t know how to do it now.  And as my departure date for the states becomes closer and closer, and as the duration of that trip still remains unknown – I add to this the fear that I will just get things started and then I will have to leave – and then the bond will weaken.

 

But that is an absurd fear.  Because I know that in order for relationships to grow, both sides need to be able to offer something.  At the moment I feel I don’t have anything to offer – now this isn’t a “I’m not good enough” downer low self esteem thing – I know I am awesome!  But I don’t have a car, or much space to entertain people at my place, or much spare cash… I feel really needy, and I realllly don’t want to be!

 

I also had a bit of a pregnancy scare last week – only a little scary as my visa isn’t sorted yet, and that would be *quite* the hassle to organize with a baby on the way too!

I think that the idea that I could very seriously be pregnant also was a bit of a wake-up  call as to how isolated I really do feel here.  If that happened, my mother and grandma, and aunts, and best friends, are all over an ocean.  With jobs.  They can’t come over and live life with me day-to-day!  And while I have met some very nice people here, they aren’t relationships you really want to put this kind of a strain on.  

 

I think that is probably it.  Nothing all that complex after all.  Just something I need, and don’t know how to get.

So…. now what?  I turn to my religion at times like this, and I suppose this is that walking by faith (the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen Heb 11:1) and relying on grace.

 

And that feels cool and nerve-wracking.  Like repelling down a cliff face – something I love to do, AND terrifies me too.  But I never want it to stop.  The climb is nerve wracking, but the view on the way down, as you are suspended in the air, hundreds of feet up – is amazing.  

 

So that is what I will do.  Keep pressing on, and walking with that faith that God loves me and has a plan for me and my life, and that he won’t let me drop.  So as I stand with shaking knees, about to lower myself horizontally backwards off the cliff edge, I will take a deep breath, and enjoy the view.

 

I’ll keep you updated as to what I see along the way.