So I had a bit of a freak out night before last. Couldn’t sleep, and didn’t want to keep the bear up as he had work in the morning, so I quietly panicked in the living room and the bath. Then at about 5am I finally woke him up by crying, and then hyperventilating, and sniveling, and generally freaking out with a whole load of incredibly painful fears that I don’t think I was quite conscious of… not a strong point in my life…
Someone once said, “I don’t know what I think until I write it” and unfortunately I can’t remember who, and can’t be bothered to look it up – but this is my attempt at making a similar discovery.
I found within me a quiet, unnamed desperation, that seemed to have woken up screaming. Disappointedly, it did not scream it’s name – just a long, howl of anguish.
Now, as I have said before, everything I have going on in my life in wonderful – seriously, I am living so much more than I have ever dreamed. I love my husband, and this town I live in, my material goods are all above and beyond, and I am learning new skills (shout out to pintrest!) so nothing is going wrong – which leads me to conclude that as opposed to something be “wrong” in my life, it is instead a case of something simply not being there.
I would assume this is tied to my lack of “community” – I am, perhaps, in need of a “bosom friend” as Anne Shirley liked to say.
Thing is – I have no idea how to help this along! It is simple enough to meet people if you are in school, or at work, have a church you love, or even someone else to make introductions for you. I don’t know how to do it now. And as my departure date for the states becomes closer and closer, and as the duration of that trip still remains unknown – I add to this the fear that I will just get things started and then I will have to leave – and then the bond will weaken.
But that is an absurd fear. Because I know that in order for relationships to grow, both sides need to be able to offer something. At the moment I feel I don’t have anything to offer – now this isn’t a “I’m not good enough” downer low self esteem thing – I know I am awesome! But I don’t have a car, or much space to entertain people at my place, or much spare cash… I feel really needy, and I realllly don’t want to be!
I also had a bit of a pregnancy scare last week – only a little scary as my visa isn’t sorted yet, and that would be *quite* the hassle to organize with a baby on the way too!
I think that the idea that I could very seriously be pregnant also was a bit of a wake-up call as to how isolated I really do feel here. If that happened, my mother and grandma, and aunts, and best friends, are all over an ocean. With jobs. They can’t come over and live life with me day-to-day! And while I have met some very nice people here, they aren’t relationships you really want to put this kind of a strain on.
I think that is probably it. Nothing all that complex after all. Just something I need, and don’t know how to get.
So…. now what? I turn to my religion at times like this, and I suppose this is that walking by faith (the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen Heb 11:1) and relying on grace.
And that feels cool and nerve-wracking. Like repelling down a cliff face – something I love to do, AND terrifies me too. But I never want it to stop. The climb is nerve wracking, but the view on the way down, as you are suspended in the air, hundreds of feet up – is amazing.
So that is what I will do. Keep pressing on, and walking with that faith that God loves me and has a plan for me and my life, and that he won’t let me drop. So as I stand with shaking knees, about to lower myself horizontally backwards off the cliff edge, I will take a deep breath, and enjoy the view.
I’ll keep you updated as to what I see along the way.