June: Magic and Failure

I am frustrated today.

And I should probably lay off Pintrest for a while.

I think it is a bit too full of “how to be perfect” for me at the moment.

I was just about to list off things I am unhappy with – but I am thinking better of it.
… and I really want to vent about all my first world problems that are driving me up the wall at the moment (can’t connect to Starbucks wi-fi, it’s too loud here, my coffee tastes a bit bitter…) but I should count my blessings and try desperately to tune out the screaming infant behind me.
seriously – feed it or something.
oh man…

 It’s been longer than I would like since I have last put fingers to keyboard with the intent to write.  
So, fun warm-up:
If given the opportunity, would you choose to live in a world with magic, but no internet or cell phones, cars, ect (think Harry Potter’s wizarding world) or here now, with all the gadgets and stuff?
I choose this version of reality.  I think the magic wouldn’t feel nearly as magical as my iphone with wifi.  Moving pictures?  I have youtube and skype.  And all the knowledge the internet contains. ( a lot more of humanity’s collection of information contains kittens and porn than you might first think)
Well – that was easier than I expected.

So.. June has been rough on me.
It began amazingly with my grandparent’s visiting us for a few days. We had the best time I have EVER had with them – and they took me to Disney World as a kid.

To be fair, I have always been jaded and suspicious of theme parks, so it wasn’t hard to beat (When they say this will be the most fun of my life, am I deciding to peak at age 9? and that part of this fun involves a LOT of people being paid to be perky?)

It really was amazing to have them over – 


I felt so loved, and their pride in who I am becoming (just me) was palpable. And that has to be one of the best blessings out there.  My heart fills with so much joy thinking of it that I can almost relax a bit about the shrieking child and noise and bitterness of beverage.Okay, I may be taking out my frustration with the rest of June out on the current Starbucks atmosphere.  I’ll explain.

See after my grands departed, it was difficult to get back into the swing of things.  My husband took a week off work to be with them (such a gem!) and it was strangely disorienting to have him leave again for 9 hours a day.
We have spent most of our marriage together – and we like it best that way.  Having him away for so long is annoying.  My not having any official thing to occupy my time is more so.  
It was probably the jolt of having so much of what I really really want for almost a week (family, husband, travel, chatter, teaching ect) and then seemingly slam back into my current reality of *waiting*.

 And I didn’t handle it spectacularly.  
I went total zombie.  Again.  

Which pisses me off exponentially.
I can’t seem to slap myself out of it either.

Remember how I was excited about cooking and I was going to the gym three times a week, and writing ect?
Yeah, I haven’t this month hardly at all.

We bought a food processor, because I told Chris we needed it (I kept seeing all the recipes that needed one!)

 Haven’t touched it.

At least I made a few things with the crock pot.
But that’s the thing. 

I don’t want to think and plan out what I have to eat three times a day.
Seriously, I’ve started skipping breakfast or lunch, just because I can’t be fussed.

And yesterday was a great day!   I saw almost everyone I know in the Leamington Spa area – Oasis Bible Study was really lovely, and I had offers to meet up for coffee today, or next week – and then went to lunch with the two ladies I met at Starbucks in our first week here – invited to a 4th of July BBQ, came home, talked to my mother-in-law for a bit, picked out furniture for our next place – bought a different dress I like a smidgeon better than the first one I chose for my sister’s wedding – brought Chris his rain coat down to the station, and bumped into my friend Dani at the station and we discussed the book I lent her – came home, ordered curry and watched Serenity, The Colbert Report, and the Daily Show, and went to bed.

That should be enough to shake me back awake, into the land of the living, the land of the here and now, right?????

Didn’t get dressed until 1.  Finally, out of desperation, I ate a left-over roll, brushed my teeth, threw on a hoodie and jeans, brushed my teeth, and came to Starbucks.  Being out in public usually at least gets me going enough to accomplish SOMETHING I can tell Chris I did while he was at work.

I have fallen back into waiting.

And truth be told – be it a depressing one perhaps – I am not sure if this isn’t actually what is really going on, and when I don’t feel the numbing pressure of waiting, I am only successfully distracting myself.
But that can’t be true.  Surely time is what we make of it.  Why does this have to be waiting?  Why can’t it be a vacation?  Or a time of crafts and cooking?

 Just because my current life makes me think of the cringe-inducing lifestyle some choose to live like this all the time, doesn’t mean I have to…!
(It’s a legitimate lifestyle, just not for me!!)

 I really want to do something big. Something awesome.  I need to make something better.  Fix something….and I recall my Myer-Briggs personality profile includes the idea that I have a “strong desire to influence the world”

But I don’t believe in doing something big, awesome, or influential merely for the sake of being big, awesome, or influential.  

 So where is my muse?  Where is my mission?  Where are my people?

 And please – am I failing because I am not doing this now?  

 I feel like I am failing.
It might not be technically true, but today I feel like a failure.
And I have little confidence things will change next monday.

 And that feels yucky.

 Welp.  Thanks for reading.
Magic or Internet?  Your response please 🙂